36 weeks… it’s hard for me to believe! The beginning of this pregnancy went SO slow since I spent the majority of it hunched over a toilet. Now I’m starting to have weekly OB appointments and everything is feeling real. The nursery is complete (nursery reveal coming soon!), all baby clothes are washed and hung, freezer meals have been made, the house is clean, and now it’s just a waiting game! With my first (Jonas), I never felt nearly as uncomfortable as I feel right now. The lower pelvic pain and back pain has me waddling like a duck. It feels like every day I’m getting just a bit more uncomfortable. These days you can find me wearing my husband’s t-shirts, eating ice cream, peeing a lot in the night, and crying about pretty much everything. I know, I sound like such a joy, right?! Home stretch, my friends. I’m on the home stretch (or so I keep telling myself).
Lately I’ve been struggling with anxiety. I’ve always struggled with anxiety, but recently it’s felt magnified. I experienced this before I gave birth to Jonas too. I think the root of it is the fear of the unknown. I don’t know how Jonas will react to being a big brother. I don’t know when I’ll go into labor and what my delivery experience will be like. I don’t know what I’ll be like as a mom of two. I’m scared that I won’t be good at equally giving attention to both children (I know that in the beginning this probably won’t even be possible). There are so many “I don’t knows” that it causes me to doubt myself. Being a mom is a dream come true no matter how hard it can be and one of my biggest fears in life is letting my children down. I’m finding encouragement through prayer, spending time in the word, and sharing my fears with others which is why I decided to include this topic on my bump update.
Has anyone out there struggled with postpartum anxiety or depression? I was shocked that I didn’t with Jonas but I’m nervous about my postpartum journey with this little one. September (the month that he’s due), is always a struggle for me. As the seasons change and we suddenly experience less daylight, I like clockwork start feeling blue. I wonder if it will be worse this time around with the timing of having a baby. I know that sitting here wondering all of these “what if’s” doesn’t help anything, so I really try to distract myself from these thoughts (a goofy toddler is a great distraction!). But the truth is when I go to sleep at night, I’m worrying about these things.
At the same time, I’m also laying in bed at night feeling absolutely giddy thinking about holding this sweet babe for the first time. I think about Jonas meeting him and melt at the thought. I think about Taylor seeing him for the first time and can’t help but smile the biggest smile. Even though there are so many unknowns in the weeks to come, we are about to encounter some of the sweetest, most memorable moments of our lives. I can hardly wait. See you soon, baby boy. You are so loved already!